


The Weight of my Existence

by ObtuseOctopus



Series: The Ortiz Family [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Parenting, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Family Angst, Family Drama, Family Issues, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22156501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. •Malachite questions her own life as her family continues to prove itself falling apart.
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Series: The Ortiz Family [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574440
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	1. Burden

**Author's Note:**

> // TW for suicidal thoughts near the end.  
> Work is inspired by the song “Room of Angel” from the Silent Hill OST.

“Mal, cut it out.”

“I can’t help it! This is a good song, come on!”

“Mal.”

“Mom- are you kidding me?” Malachite was disappointed as she sat up on her bed. The rock music continued to blare throughout her room

Lapis didn’t need to say another word. She only cast a narrowed glance at her daughter, in which Malachite knew then to immediately shut up and quit what she was doing. She stopped tapping her feet, and she stopped fistpumping the air. She also paused her music, and she gave a glare back at her mother.

Lapis said nothing still. She just stared for a bit longer, arms crossed over her chest as she stood in the doorway. Malachite watched her, gritting her teeth behind closed lips and holding her ground just as equally. There was strained tension between them that hung thicker than liquor. But their shared blood kept them from breaking that barrier, both bulls that refused to do anything about it or kneel down.

Finally, Lapis spoke. “... What is wrong with you?” She murmured. She rubbed her forehead with one hand, seeming extremely dissatisfied.

Malachite immediately disputed back. She shared the same stubborn spite. “What’s wrong with _you_?” She returned bitterly.

“You're grounded,” Lapis firmly said.

“Why?” Malachite hissed, clenching her phone in her hand.

“Because I said so.”

“Why? Because I put on some music?!”

“ _Malachite_.”

“I’m just having fun, mom-!”

“ _Malachite Quartz Ortiz.”_

Malachite gave a pained inhale at her full name being used. “What is wrong with you?! You’re so stuck up and you never let me have any fun!”

“You’re-“

“Grounded?! Gladly! At least I can stay here away from buttholes like you!” Malachite interrupted.

Lapis stomped into the room, hands at her sides. She loomed over Malachite, not even taking a second glance as she grabbed her phone, followed by her headphones. 

“Mom! What the fu-?!” Malachite began.

“Finish that, and you’re grounded for a year,” Lapis threatened. Once she had anything to do with electronics in her possession, she stepped out of the room, slamming the door shut behind herself.

Malachite blankly stared at the closed door. Getting frustrated, she stood up, then went over to kick the door with her bare foot. It gave her little satisfaction however, so she found herself instead back on her bed the next second, lying down on her sheets. She grabbed her pillow, then screamed into it. This was so unfair.

Later that day, when her other mother had returned from work, they had agreed on going out for dinner. It was something that Malachite hardly ever got to do- mostly because they were always on a budget too constrained to go anywhere to eat. Either this was a special occasion, or Jasper got her payday today and wanted to go to that place that served soup and noodles and whatever. 

“- So no phone, no headphones, and no TV for two weeks. She’s grounded,” Lapis finished telling her wife, the car rolling along the busy freeway. Lights from the outside world occasionally shine in, causing Malachite to furrow her brow at the filter.

“All of that just because she was playing music?” Jasper huffed, watching the road as she drove.

“ _Loud_ music,” Lapis corrected.

“So what?”

“So what?! Did you-?!”

“Lapis, calm down.”

“How about you calm down? Watch the fucking road, moron.”

“I am- god-! What are you? Six?”

“Okay, we know you’re an asshole. No need to flaunt it.”

They continued bickering. Malachite wished that she had her headphones back.

By the time that they got to the restaurant, Malachite got out of the car and followed both her parents inside, thankful they stopped fighting. From there, they were seated at a booth in the corner of the restaurant. Malachite began looking over what she could get, making sure to stay away from anything over ten dollars. It would be too expensive, as her mother would say. So as drinks were ordered, she mentally decided on something simple like a plate of pasta. Jasper looked over at what she was eyeing.

“Pft. Pasta? You’re serious?” Jasper said.

Malachite nodded. “It’s only six dollars…” she read off the description of the food item.

“For something you can always eat at home,” Jasper stated. “No, get something like a cheeseburger. Get something that you can’t have at home.”

“We can make _anything_ at home,” Lapis spat, picking up on the conversation.

“Not always. We’ve been having pasta for the last week,” Jasper argued.

“Because we don’t have enough for anything else,” Lapis defended herself.

Jasper leaned in. “Because you never go shopping. The fuck happens to the money I send you for shopping?”

Malachite tensed. 

“It goes to our bills,” Lapis said. “Nothing is free, Jasper.”

“Like I don’t know that?”

“Excuse me that I can’t land a job.”

“You’re just not trying hard enough…”

“You know damn well that I’ve been busting my ass off trying to get a job.”

“Then look elsewhere.”

“I fucking am-!”

“Then why have you been jobless for a year?!” Jasper got louder.

“Well I’m sorry that I’m not some kind of large lesbian who gets hired only because the gym owner has the hots for her!”

“That isn’t true, I got hired because I know more than those other coaches. Richard says I’ve pulled in more people to the gym than any of his last hired coaches.”

“Because they’re all just wanting to imagine fucking your brains while you show them how to do squats.”

Jasper slammed a fist down. “What is with you? Why are you always like this?”

“Why are _you_ always like this?” Lapis rolled her eyes.

Malachite began to see where she got it from.

“No, I’m tired of this. You always somehow make things like this into something about sex appeal.”

“Sex sells, idiot.”

“Then go become a fucking stripper, Lapis. Get a fucking job.”

“Wow I wish it was that easy. And like you would even be okay with men touching me. You would FREAK out, Jasper, I know that.”

“It’s better than sitting on your ass doing nothing! You have a damn child!”

“You wanted her, not me.”

“Really? Says the one who carried her.”

“I only carried her because you were too busy with your job, and didn’t want to give it up for nine months! Who really didn’t want her now, huh?! You’re the one who wanted a baby!”

“You know that I have fucking fertility issues. That’s why you carried- because I don’t know what would happen if I even tried. You don’t even have any idea how hard it was for me- you don’t even know how happy I was when FINALLY they got one of my eggs and said it was fertile.”

“And some guy’s sperm? Pfft, it was like carrying an alien inside me.”

Jasper was growing frustrated. Malachite could tell by the strain in her muscles.

“You got part in creating her or whatever,” Jasper said.

“Sure, by carrying something not even mine.”

Ow.

Then Jasper started getting louder. “The fuck is wrong with you?! She’s your daughter! She’s right here!”

_No no don’t put me in the spotlight…._ Malachite thought.

“Yeah, good job you have eyes.”

“What’s with your damn attitude?!” Jasper demanded.

“I’m the one with attitude?! You’re the one getting on me for not having a job!”

“I’m the only one supporting this family!”

“Do you know how hard it is to get a job?! No, I’m not doing this again.”

“Oh yes you are! Lapis, grow the FUCK up!”

“Says you! You get so upset over the dumbest things!”

“And you are so IMMATURE about things you need-“

“Since when have I ever been immature?! Do I need to remind you who stayed home taking care of our daughter while you went out with your friends?!”

“Don’t fucking-!”

“Oh yeah, I went there! Man up, Jasper!”

“You fucking-!”

“No, you bitch!”

A waiter rushed over as soon as it started getting physical.

“... This is why gays shouldn’t get married,” someone commented from not that far off. Malachite winced at the sound of that. She didn’t know what gay meant, but were they talking about her parents? Why shouldn’t they be married?

_Because they fight like this a lot… maybe?_

Another waiter came by to help try and separate her mothers, both still unable to calm down and both at heavy unrest. Lapis managed to spill her drink, and Jasper didn’t even heed the fact that she had gotten her hair into her soup. They just kept… bickering. Fighting.

Malachite couldn’t take it anymore. There was just… so much going on, so much yelling and screaming… she felt entirely embarrassed that people were looking at them, judging them from a distance negatively. Her body just seemed to… freeze up. She didn’t feel any emotion in particular in her body, but she felt something that wasn’t anger nor fear. It was something different, something that wasn’t exactly guilt? Something that made her wish she could disappear into the floor and not be here right now. She cringed away when some waiters came over to calm down her parents bickering, praying to a fictional god to take her away from this place. 

Then, her body finally reacted to the situation. She slipped out of the booth, her legs moving faster than her mind. Before she could even think, Malachite had bolted away from the table, not even caring who saw her. Her parents were too busy at each other’s throats to care either. She just wanted out of this. She hated the yelling, the hatred, the staring, the judgment…

And as she left the scene, heading towards the bathroom in the restaurant, it finally dawned what she was feeling. Malachite closed the door as soon as she was in the bathroom, grateful that it was a single person bathroom, locking the door and then she collapsed into a ball with her back against the door. The bathroom smelled of cleaning product, but she could care less. Her eyes watered, and her body trembled. She felt… weak. Small and puny, hopeless and defenseless, open and exposed. She wiped her eyes, curiously staring down at what gathered on her fingers.

Tears?

She had felt her eyes water before, but never before did she ever get a good look at her tears specifically. They looked like water, and when she tasted them, like salt. She found this to be foreign to her. Was this crying?

Why was she crying?

She heard nobody coming for her, so Malachite had some time to herself in this small room. She yearned for this, and she needed this. No more staring and yelling, no more being able to hear her parents…

God, they fought so much… Over the most stupid things too. She didn’t get what they fought over most of the time. She was just in middle school. She didn’t exactly understand taxes or anything. Child support, mortgage, rent… it all was alien to her.

But there were things she understood, statements like what was wrong with her or statements like that had been said moments ago out there.

Malachite sniffled, more tears falling down her face. She felt stupid. 

Was this… sadness? Why was she sad?

_Maybe mom would be happier if I wasn’t here…_

There was something that weighed her down, something that came to her when she thought that.

_I don’t want to be here…_

She stared blankly at the empty floor in front of her. Her eyes felt dead, empty of any will to focus on anything. Like a blown out candle, they lacked any fuel.

_Mom didn’t want me…_

_I don’t think ma wanted me either…_

_They just fight a lot._

As she continued to let the tears fall, Malachite faintly called back the night when she could remember that her parents began to ignore her when she cried in the night after having a nightmare. They both stopped coming in to check on her. She could cry as much as she wanted, and nobody came.

She felt alone.

Faintly, she heard footsteps approach the bathroom from outside, but ignored when someone knocked on the door, someone who asked her to come out. More than likely? One of the waiters who helped split up her parents, more than likely banned from this place. Jasper wasn’t going to be happy.

Malachite refused to budge. She didn’t want to go home with them. She wanted to be here, away from them. 

_They don’t want me anyway…_

_They don’t care…_

_I’m the reason they fight so much…_

_Mom used to tell me how cool her life was before I was born…_

Malachite could feel her body shake, her nerves starting to become just as foreign as concepts like paying rent. She felt like an alien in her own body, unattached and yet jailed inside. Trapped.

For the first time in her life, she wished that she could die. Maybe then her parents would be better off, happier, without her. Her birth caused all this. She hated this, she regretted this. She felt _guilty_ for being alive.

_It’s all my fault..._


	2. Verdict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // TW for allude to depression themes, allude of past child abuse, slight mention of self-harm if you squint.

It took a while to get Malachite out of the bathroom. It was hard especially due to being kicked out of the restaurant for disrupting public peace. Lapis had to wait a few moments until someone who worked at the restaurant finally managed to coax Malachite out. She was still fuming mad at Jasper, blaming her for this mess. 

When Malachite was walked out by a waiter, Lapis stood idling by as Jasper scooped her up and apologized for the ruckus. But the restaurant already had its mind made up. They would be banned for sure.

Well, at least they didn’t have to pay for anything now. But, they all were still hungry. Lapis could tell Jasper was, her stomach growled as they returned to their vehicle and got into their seats.

“Happy?” Jasper scoffed, buckling herself in.

Lapis said nothing.

It wasn’t until years later after that rough night that Lapis would come to understand the concept of family when it came to business, and business ran in the family the same way that blood did.

She and Jasper were divorced now, surely, but what still remained was their shared custody of Malachite. Lapis would get her on every other weekend, Jasper every day besides that.

It was… unfair. Yet Lapis understood now that it was for the best, if not the safest. Jasper, like the rest of her family was warm and had a loving side. She would give Malachite the cushion she needed, a kiss for when she would need it, comforting words on the darkest of nights.

But as for Lapis? She had been brought up in a family of ice, one who cared little if at all. And even through the years, even through now, she paid the price of hailing from such scorching beginnings. She lacked the love that Jasper had to spare, she lacked the connection and yearning to become closer.

If she became too close, she’d hurt someone.

She already did that to Jasper and Malachite.

It was metaphorical blood whenever Lapis referred to her and her daughter. They were not biological, true, yet the thought haunted her the same. She would refer to Malachite as her own blood born the same way that a flame would connect with ashes, the chaos before its own creation. She was a mother, and just that title alone  _ frightened  _ her.

It was a rainy morning when Lapis came to pick up Malachite for the weekend. She pulled up in her junky old car that was due for service soon as it always was, and felt ashamed to walk up the steps to Jasper’s place. There wasn’t any conversation between them, not even necessary for anything to be said. Lapis waited for Malachite outside in the rain, and she felt a twinge of guilt as she watched her daughter say goodbye before they both began to head towards the car.

Malachite was sixteen now. And Lapis still found herself astonished by how much she grew. She looked so much like Jasper that it was unbelievable. 

“Fucking weekend…” Malachite groaned under her breath, headphones in as she trekked toward the car with her bag of belongings. Lapis knew she hated being with her. Her words gave it away if not the attitude.

Nonetheless, Lapis helped her daughter load the luggage, then drove off once they both were in the vehicle. 

The rain came down in gray drizzle, and Lapis found it easy to watch the road as internal emotions kept her from looking at her daughter.

_ I never know what to say to her. _

_ The last time I saw her, she had scars on her arms, and god… I ...- _

They stopped at a red light.

Lapis for a moment, only for a second, looked at her daughter at last. She forced herself to go back to the road afterward, unable to bear staring at a faint shadow of her past for long.

The ride home was quiet, lest be told. Malachite was quick to get her stuff out of the car when they arrived, and Lapis hardly even had any time to open the door before Malachite disappeared into the room meant for her in the small apartment.

_ Never wants to talk to me… _

_ And I know why. _

Lapis closed the door behind herself and sighed. She went to make herself some coffee.

  
  
  


Later when Lapis got the courage, she went to Malachite’s room, knocking before she opened the door. She dared not enter, knowing personal boundaries and space. Especially when it came to her daughter.

“Malachite?” Lapis said. “Are you okay? Hungry or anything?”

“Go away,” Malachite hissed from her bed.

Lapis stayed put. “Are you okay?” She asked again.

“Mentally or physically? Either way, no. Fuck off.”

“Malachite…”

“Shut up.”

“Listen, I know how you feel. I’ve been there before, with my own mother-“

“Oh my god, why are you telling me this?!”

“I’m… telling you this because I just want you to know me. Me and my family- we’re good people.”

“Yeah, right,” Malachite called bluff.

“... I swear we are,” Lapis said, defeated. “But… we just…”

“Stop it. Stop bullshitting me. You never wanted me, and you never will,” Malachite boldly said, turning her back towards her.

Lapis winced. “Mala… no. Don’t say that…-“

“You think I made up all those times you complained that I was alive?” Malachite challenged with bitter vice. “You were my  _ mom _ !”

“I know…” Lapis frowned.

“Yet I felt like a fucking stranger. God, if you didn’t want me, you should’ve just used a coat hanger,” Malachite spat. She got up, about to close the door.

“... Mal.”

Malachite briefly paused, giving Lapis the most dead on hateful glare ever.

Lapis softly inhaled, gathering her strength. “... I’m sorry.”

Malachite’s muscles tightened.

“Look. I know that… what I say doesn’t change anything. At all. It’s… still shitty and…-“

“Shitty. Hah. One way to put it,” Malachite sneered.

“I’m just… I guess what I mean to say is, I'm  _ glad  _ that you aren’t biologically mine. Hear me out. Please,” Lapis begged.

Malachite rolled her eyes, but didn’t close the door.

So Lapis continued. “Me and my family, we’re… fucking  _ horrible.  _ I guess it’s only genetic that I too-“

“Wow. No. Don’t blame your stupid family I never met. It was your CHOICE to treat me the way you did!” Malachite glowered. “I don’t care how bad your life was, you chose to say those awful things about me! And do those awful things! Yet you wonder why I don’t like being here?! With you?!”

Lapis winced, again.

“Leave me alone,” Malachite demanded.

Lapis felt tears prick in her eyes. “I-... didn’t know how else to act! I’ve never been a mother before, and the only one I had didn’t want me either! I… I was so scared, and confused… I was scared I would rub off on you. … And I did. Now you’re just like me and like me your mother hated you, and…-“ she sighed. “I’m sorry. I never meant for you to become like me. That was my biggest fear, and now it’s too late. You grew up with all this… negativity and wishing you were dead, and I ignored you and kept treating you the same way I was treated. … I could’ve broken the cycle.” She bit her bottom lip. “... I didn’t. It’s my fault. Mal-“

“Don’t call me that ever again.”

“Please-.”

“I’m done, Lapis.”

Hearing her daughter refuse to call her ‘mother’ or ‘mom’ anymore always stung. Lapis stared, the door shut in her face. She never felt so abandoned. It hurt more than anything she ever had been through.. It took a lot of mental strength to walk away, to go sit down on the couch and just let her daughter have some space.

Lapis stared at the ceiling, holding back her emotions as she held a deadpan expression.

She held no grudge. She understood why her daughter would hate her. And it was too late to change anything, no matter how much she wished it had been different. This was her medicine, her karma, her pills of guilt that would haunt her.

And she now had to take them no matter how much they would lump in her throat.


End file.
